Be like HUG!
Eat like HUG!
it's easy, when you're...
COOKING WITH HUG!
Ya know, one time, a long time ago, all i had to cook with was an
electric wok. No kitchen. Everything was made in the wok. In the
morning, it would make the coffee, then, if there was leftover coffee,
i'd toss in the grits or oatmeal, and presto! Coffee-Oatmeal! Soup for
dinner? No problem! There, you got three different things cooked in one
electric wok, and you haven't had to clean it once! Spaghetti? Hell
yeah! Queso? You betcha! Queso-Spaghetti? Well, of course! All in the
wok. I forgot what my point was, but i'm telling you,
YOU CAN DO IT!
skill level: 645,038
You heard me!
Sauerkraut! Some restaurant is gunna rip this off and make a fortune,
and not give me shit! Fuckin assholes! Probably one of those hyper-P.C.
, ex-hippie-turned-bastard, fuckin turd-vomiting, rat,
phony-hippie-ass-joints, tryin so hard to be grooooovy, they can line
up and kiss my ass in the town square, them fuckin no-class
wannabe-hippie pukes. (All eggs make your farts smell outstanding.)
Real hippies, the good kind, i think they invented tofu, or something.
you will need:
--a can of sauerkraut
--some eggs (maybe, 2 or 3 per person, eh?)
--mustard seeds-- (optional, i guess... try it!)
--a pile of chopped-up garlic and onion
--oil (Olive oil, or, if yer cooking for vegetarians, BACON FAT! Ha.)
--Some kind of big skillet (man, Scott has the world's coolest pan,
with a glass top, you can jam the universe in that thing and cook it
Open the can of Sauerkraut, drain it, and rinse it out, drain it again,
get as much water out of it as you can, like, put it in a clean
tee-shirt and wring it out, or something like that. Then, chop it up.
Crack the eggs and pour'em into a bowl. Scramble them with whatever is
handy, like a fork, or YOUR DICK! HA! Not really. OK, then put the
sauerkraut into the eggs, stirr'em in, and keep it so there's more egg
than sauerkraut. (well, that's what i do.) Put whatever else you dig
into the eggs, like, pepper, hot sauce, baco-bits, but hey, no salt!
The sauerkraut is pretty salty. So then you leave this bowl off to the
side. Toss the oil into the pan (Use more oil!) and stick it over the
fire. The fire should be pretty high. Test it by tossing in a little
piece of onion, and when it sizzles toss in the rest of the chopped
onion and garlic. It goes 'KSSSSSSSSS" in the oil, and if it looks like
it needs more oil, go for it. Give it a while, stink up the house, then
toss in the mustard seeds-- yeah! stir them into the oil, and when they
start to go pop! pop!pop!pop! and start flyin out of the pan then pour
in the eggs! KSSSSSSS! Now, give the eggs a while, let'em cook, then,
kinda try to flip the slop over, and stir it around, and keep doin
that, so the whole fuckin mess gets cooked, in sort of big chunks, then
ya eat'em. Maybe with tortillas? Whew. This shit is worth the work, it
is. But if you're in a hurry, why not try:
skill level: 2
Another god damned recipe that's gunna get ripped off--
i need to start my own fucking restaurant, yeah, with lots of
motorcycle-only parking! yep. This here is reeeeeal fast. Built for
you do need:
--eggie-wegs, right? duh!!
--powdered spices, like, garlic, cayenne, curry, whatever. Salt.
-- a chunk of fresh Ginger!
--Uh, a pan, and a grater.
OK, real fast now: Put the oil in the pan, put it on the fire, then
while it's heating up, crack all the eggs, pour'em into a bowl, dump in
yer powdered spices, stir the eggs up, then grate a bunch of Ginger
into them! Hey! By now the oil might even be smoking, man, pour in
those eggs, let'em go FSSSSSSS, they'll cook, let'em cook, flop'em
around, stir'em up, till they turn golllllden brown, then eat'em on
tortillas. Or bread. Or rice, ya know, or whatever you are in love
with, maybe noodles are your 'bag', man, then do it that way. Or
Spaghetti-Oh's! I never tried that.
(Hey everybody! Try Allspice sometime! It's good, whatever it is.)
this one was given to me by Shane, from Pong. Here we go:
you will need
--bacon (hey! alright! bacon! how did this recipe fail???)
--1 can of Vienna sausages (oh, OK, i see... y'all know what these
things really are, right? Right? All i can say is, it's a tough, tough,
bloody, hideous, screaming, insane, depressing way for sad, big-eyed,
little 3rd-world slum-boys to make some quick cash, man, makes me
fuckin dispair for humanity)
-- 'potted meat sauce' (...and what is this stuff?)
-- some kind of thing to bake it in... right?
Now, a chef gets points for actually trying something like this, big
points, in my book, and we should all raise our glasses to these
pioneers. Where would we be today without an occasional disaster? This
is fucking AMERICA! If you cook something adventurous, and it sucks,
(and it might!) then shit, just order a fucking pizza! Think about it:
in this great, easy nation, yer never, ever very far from a whole bunch
of fucking food, huge fucking giant piles of food, hamburgers, fries,
chicken, sub-sandwiches, candy bars, beer, pizzas, anything you want!
Plus beer! Hell, there's a whole category of food that comes on sticks!
On sticks! Yer not gunna starve if your experimental food sucks. You
can even get free food, right down the street from where i live, i
mean, if ya need it...
...anyhow, i guess Shane wrapped the Vienna sausages in bacon, lined'em
up in a pan of some kind, then coated them liberally with 'potted meat
sauce,' then baked it all, (in the oven!) for some time... now, i think
this could be pretty good, actually... maybe if you took the
bacon-wrapped Vienna sausages and deep-fried'em? Then bake them, with
hot sauce and, um, grated cheese? So it gets all melty? Wait, the whole
purpose was to have an all-meat dish... hmmm... well, way to push the
let's face it: sometimes, you have to boost your cholesterol through
the fuckin ceiling, like, for example, you're trying to get into a
high-paying pharmaceutical study that requires you to have high
cholesterol, (just a hypothetical example.)
(dis one goes out to all da lay-dayyys...)
level: 0, pain/suffering level: extreme++
You will need:
-- functioning human female reproductive organs
-- some way of getting pregnant
-- fresh herbs: (Rosemary, Garlic, Basil... all fresh)
And away you go! You take yer reproductive organs, and your 'way of
getting pregnant,' and you do so! Then give birth. Then, (this sounds
like the hard part) ya take yer own placenta and dice it up verrrrry
finely with your fresh herbs. Now... EAT IT!! I am told that this is
very healthy for women that have just given birth and are drained of
all that, uh, stuff... whatever it is yer drained of when ya give
birth... a baby, for one thing, i guess... anyway, it sorta gets you
back on your feet after that big, bloody, horendous, screaming
catastrophy. That's what they say. OK, OK, i know what you're thinking,
reality check here: does anybody really need a 'health' excuse like
that to wolf down human afterbirth? Hm?
Fellas: i know what you're thinking, you wierdos in the back there, i'm
talkin to you; look, don't try this last recipe, alright? Just don't.
No matter how good this recipe sounds, or how bad you want to make your
own, i'm tellin ya now, forget it. Anyone who promises that they can
actually impregnate is not to be trusted, OK? Anything that falls out
of your body is not to be eaten! Hey now, buddy, don't go there...
instead, why not try:
skill level: 3
Man, just think of
it as grits. Cook it up like grits. A whisk helps, if you care, and
blue food coloring makes it a little different. Try it with bacon fat
drizzled over it with a little salt, pepper, maybe oregano, or parmesan
chees grated on top. Don't be scared; if you get it in a box, there's
(A note on stuff that comes with directions: Man, how fuckin easy! You
say you can't cook? Fuck that! The shit has fuckin directions on the
box! try it! And if you fuck it up, order a pizza!)
© 2011 Roy Tompkins
Content: © 2011 HUG