Be like HUG!
Eat like HUG!
it's easy, when you're...

Ya know, one time, a long time ago, all i had to cook with was an electric wok. No kitchen. Everything was made in the wok. In the morning, it would make the coffee, then, if there was leftover coffee, i'd toss in the grits or oatmeal, and presto! Coffee-Oatmeal! Soup for dinner? No problem! There, you got three different things cooked in one electric wok, and you haven't had to clean it once! Spaghetti? Hell yeah! Queso? You betcha! Queso-Spaghetti? Well, of course! All in the wok. I forgot what my point was, but i'm telling you,

SAUERKRAUT OMELET! skill level: 645,038

You heard me! Sauerkraut! Some restaurant is gunna rip this off and make a fortune, and not give me shit! Fuckin assholes! Probably one of those hyper-P.C. , ex-hippie-turned-bastard, fuckin turd-vomiting, rat, phony-hippie-ass-joints, tryin so hard to be grooooovy, they can line up and kiss my ass in the town square, them fuckin no-class wannabe-hippie pukes. (All eggs make your farts smell outstanding.) Real hippies, the good kind, i think they invented tofu, or something. Ok, OK:
you will need:
--a can of sauerkraut
--some eggs (maybe, 2 or 3 per person, eh?)
--mustard seeds-- (optional, i guess... try it!)
--a pile of chopped-up garlic and onion
--oil (Olive oil, or, if yer cooking for vegetarians, BACON FAT! Ha.)
--Some kind of big skillet (man, Scott has the world's coolest pan, with a glass top, you can jam the universe in that thing and cook it up. Big.)
do this:
Open the can of Sauerkraut, drain it, and rinse it out, drain it again, get as much water out of it as you can, like, put it in a clean tee-shirt and wring it out, or something like that. Then, chop it up. Crack the eggs and pour'em into a bowl. Scramble them with whatever is handy, like a fork, or YOUR DICK! HA! Not really. OK, then put the sauerkraut into the eggs, stirr'em in, and keep it so there's more egg than sauerkraut. (well, that's what i do.) Put whatever else you dig into the eggs, like, pepper, hot sauce, baco-bits, but hey, no salt! The sauerkraut is pretty salty. So then you leave this bowl off to the side. Toss the oil into the pan (Use more oil!) and stick it over the fire. The fire should be pretty high. Test it by tossing in a little piece of onion, and when it sizzles toss in the rest of the chopped onion and garlic. It goes 'KSSSSSSSSS" in the oil, and if it looks like it needs more oil, go for it. Give it a while, stink up the house, then toss in the mustard seeds-- yeah! stir them into the oil, and when they start to go pop! pop!pop!pop! and start flyin out of the pan then pour in the eggs! KSSSSSSS! Now, give the eggs a while, let'em cook, then, kinda try to flip the slop over, and stir it around, and keep doin that, so the whole fuckin mess gets cooked, in sort of big chunks, then ya eat'em. Maybe with tortillas? Whew. This shit is worth the work, it is. But if you're in a hurry, why not try:

GINGER EGGS skill level: 2
Another god damned recipe that's gunna get ripped off-- i need to start my own fucking restaurant, yeah, with lots of motorcycle-only parking! yep. This here is reeeeeal fast. Built for speed.

you do need:
--eggie-wegs, right? duh!!
--powdered spices, like, garlic, cayenne, curry, whatever. Salt. Whatever.
-- a chunk of fresh Ginger!
--Uh, a pan, and a grater.

OK, real fast now: Put the oil in the pan, put it on the fire, then while it's heating up, crack all the eggs, pour'em into a bowl, dump in yer powdered spices, stir the eggs up, then grate a bunch of Ginger into them! Hey! By now the oil might even be smoking, man, pour in those eggs, let'em go FSSSSSSS, they'll cook, let'em cook, flop'em around, stir'em up, till they turn golllllden brown, then eat'em on tortillas. Or bread. Or rice, ya know, or whatever you are in love with, maybe noodles are your 'bag', man, then do it that way. Or Spaghetti-Oh's! I never tried that.

(Hey everybody! Try Allspice sometime! It's good, whatever it is.)

ALL-MEAT ENCHILADAS skill level: 645,038
this one was given to me by Shane, from Pong. Here we go:

you will need
--bacon (hey! alright! bacon! how did this recipe fail???)
--1 can of Vienna sausages (oh, OK, i see... y'all know what these things really are, right? Right? All i can say is, it's a tough, tough, bloody, hideous, screaming, insane, depressing way for sad, big-eyed, little 3rd-world slum-boys to make some quick cash, man, makes me fuckin dispair for humanity)
-- 'potted meat sauce' (...and what is this stuff?)
-- some kind of thing to bake it in... right?

Now, a chef gets points for actually trying something like this, big points, in my book, and we should all raise our glasses to these pioneers. Where would we be today without an occasional disaster? This is fucking AMERICA! If you cook something adventurous, and it sucks, (and it might!) then shit, just order a fucking pizza! Think about it: in this great, easy nation, yer never, ever very far from a whole bunch of fucking food, huge fucking giant piles of food, hamburgers, fries, chicken, sub-sandwiches, candy bars, beer, pizzas, anything you want! Plus beer! Hell, there's a whole category of food that comes on sticks! On sticks! Yer not gunna starve if your experimental food sucks. You can even get free food, right down the street from where i live, i mean, if ya need it...
...anyhow, i guess Shane wrapped the Vienna sausages in bacon, lined'em up in a pan of some kind, then coated them liberally with 'potted meat sauce,' then baked it all, (in the oven!) for some time... now, i think this could be pretty good, actually... maybe if you took the bacon-wrapped Vienna sausages and deep-fried'em? Then bake them, with hot sauce and, um, grated cheese? So it gets all melty? Wait, the whole purpose was to have an all-meat dish... hmmm... well, way to push the envelope, Shane!

let's face it: sometimes, you have to boost your cholesterol through the fuckin ceiling, like, for example, you're trying to get into a high-paying pharmaceutical study that requires you to have high cholesterol, (just a hypothetical example.)

(dis one goes out to all da lay-dayyys...) PLACENTA PATE
skill level: 0, pain/suffering level: extreme++

You will need:
-- functioning human female reproductive organs
-- some way of getting pregnant
-- fresh herbs: (Rosemary, Garlic, Basil... all fresh)

And away you go! You take yer reproductive organs, and your 'way of getting pregnant,' and you do so! Then give birth. Then, (this sounds like the hard part) ya take yer own placenta and dice it up verrrrry finely with your fresh herbs. Now... EAT IT!! I am told that this is very healthy for women that have just given birth and are drained of all that, uh, stuff... whatever it is yer drained of when ya give birth... a baby, for one thing, i guess... anyway, it sorta gets you back on your feet after that big, bloody, horendous, screaming catastrophy. That's what they say. OK, OK, i know what you're thinking, reality check here: does anybody really need a 'health' excuse like that to wolf down human afterbirth? Hm?

Fellas: i know what you're thinking, you wierdos in the back there, i'm talkin to you; look, don't try this last recipe, alright? Just don't. No matter how good this recipe sounds, or how bad you want to make your own, i'm tellin ya now, forget it. Anyone who promises that they can actually impregnate is not to be trusted, OK? Anything that falls out of your body is not to be eaten! Hey now, buddy, don't go there... instead, why not try:

POLENTA PATE skill level: 3
Man, just think of it as grits. Cook it up like grits. A whisk helps, if you care, and blue food coloring makes it a little different. Try it with bacon fat drizzled over it with a little salt, pepper, maybe oregano, or parmesan chees grated on top. Don't be scared; if you get it in a box, there's even directions!

(A note on stuff that comes with directions: Man, how fuckin easy! You say you can't cook? Fuck that! The shit has fuckin directions on the box! try it! And if you fuck it up, order a pizza!)


Illustration: 2023 Roy Tompkins
Content: 2023 Blair Bovbjerg